Tips for Showing Empathy: Strategies for Becoming More Empathic

Nonverbal Communication

• Listen to what is not being said. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues being sent by you and the other person.
• Face the person. Keep your body posture relaxed and open. Lean toward the person.
• Maintain eye contact. Mimic their facial expressions –be careful that your expression is not blank or frowning.
• Physical contact, such as a hug or touching the person’s arm, may be helpful.
• Recognize what you are feeling, especially negative feelings.

Verbal Communication

What to Say:

• If possible, talk in a place that is comfortable and will have minimal interruptions.
• Allow the person to talk uninterrupted.
• Ask open-ended questions. This lets the person know that you’re willing to listen. Example – How are you doing with this? Would it help to talk about this? Is there something troubling you? What are you feeling?
• Use a pleasant tone of voice.
• Statements you might say:
  • “You seem worried.”
  • “I see why you are concerned about this.”
  • “Tell me more about what is worrying you.”
  • “I will be here for you.”
  • “It sounds like you are feeling…(fill in the blank).”

What Not to Say:

• Do not try to fix the problem, interpret or analyze what is happening, or argue.
• Do not preach, lecture, judge, blame or criticize. Avoid saying “should” or “ought to.”
• Do not minimize their fears by saying, “It will be fine” or “you’ll be OK” or “at least it isn’t…”

This research project was funded by a grant from the National Cancer Institute (CA144235; Dr. Wayne Beach, San Diego State University, Principal Investigator). Co-investigators included Dr. David Dozier from San Diego State University, and Mary Buller, Dr. Valerie Myers, and Dr. David Buller from Klein Buendel, Inc.

Empathy in Patient/Doctor Relationships

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Carl Patterson was with his elderly stepfather when he died from acute lymphatic leukemia. Tom had been a laid-back, easy going man who made friends easily and preferred to have a glass of wine than worry about small details. Carl, on the other hand, was detail-oriented and had been looking after his stepfather’s affairs for years.

Tom wanted to donate his body to a local university for medical research. In most cases, if a body is not received promptly after death, research organizations will refuse the donation. Carl knew this. So he grew impatient when hours passed after his stepfather died and the doctor, who needed to process the paperwork to release Tom’s body, didn’t appear. Carl repeatedly questioned the nurses. The nurses repeatedly paged the doctor. When she arrived, the doctor told Carl, “I have more important things to do with the living than with the dead.” Carl was stunned. “He had just died,” he said. “Her bedside manner didn’t exist.”

Numerous studies have found that empathy is often missing in doctor-patient communication. Expressing empathy can be even more difficult in situations involving conflict, anger, sadness or fear. These feelings are common on a cancer journey.  When medical professionals show empathy, patients feel more satisfied with the relationship. They also have more trust in their doctor, are less anxious about their condition, and are more likely to follow the doctor’s recommendations. Doctors feel better about their work too. Empathy is a learnable skill being taught more frequently in medical schools to help improve patient-doctor communication. …

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Strategies for Resolving Conflict

Coping with cancer, either as a patient, family member, friend, or medical provider can be very difficult. Stress levels are higher. Everyone involved can have less patience and be more sensitive to problems and issues. Common situations that might normally blow over can explode into a major argument instead. If you experience a conflict with another person, experts suggest using the following strategies:

1. Identify the cause of the conflict. Get to the root of the problem, and then deal with the cause. Sometimes small conflicts are really about larger issues.
2. Listen attentively and speak in a way that you can be clearly understood. Consider how you express yourself and disagree with others. Does the tone of your voice become accusing, snide, rude? Do you cross your arms, roll your eyes? Do you get defensive? What kind of pronouns do you use? Experts recommend using “I” instead of “you” during a conflict. For example, you might say, “When this happens, I feel unloved” instead of “When you do this, you cause problems.”
3. Try to understand the other person’s position or perspective. Be open-minded so that everyone involved can talk openly about their different views. Consider the issue from the other person’s point of view.
4. Take responsibility. Do you always blame others for problems? Conflict is two-sided. What common ground can you find?
5. Set goals on which everyone can agree. Try not to dwell too much on what’s passed. Instead, focus on how to best move forward and what can be accomplished in the future.

Experts also recommend developing a plan for handling conflict in situations where disagreements might surface. For example, family gatherings during the holidays can be stressful. Think about how you might handle issues that come up. Or perhaps your hair has started falling out. People are bound to stare, ask questions, or make insensitive comments. How will you respond? Or, on the flip side, you know someone with cancer who is losing their hair. What should you say?

Settling conflicts requires communication that is respectful and empathetic. It helps if there is trust in the relationship. Also, a certain amount of self-disclosure might be necessary.

This research project was funded by a grant from the National Cancer Institute (CA144235; Dr. Wayne Beach, San Diego State University, Principal Investigator). Co-investigators included Dr. David Dozier from San Diego State University, and Mary Buller, Dr. Valerie Myers, and Dr. David Buller from Klein Buendel, Inc.