KB Collaboratory

“Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It’s the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else’s pain is as meaningful as your own.” – Barbara Kingsolver, author.

Katrine Bellamy thinks this story is funny. It’s the story of how people sometimes react when they hear about cancer. Katrine and her neighbor took turns walking the kids to and from school. But, on the day she learned her 9-year-old son had a brain tumor, she asked her neighbor to pick up the children. When Katrine arrived home, she saw her neighbor standing in the driveway, waiting for her. “She literally collapsed in my arms,” said Katrine. The distraught women cried as Katrine reassured her that everything would be alright. Katrine needed a friend who would listen. She ended up helping her friends cope with the news instead.

This is an article about empathy. It is easy to misunderstand the difference between sympathy and empathy. When you have sympathy you have compassion for another person and acknowledge their hardship. Empathy is when you understand and feel another person’s feelings for yourself; it is a mutual experience of feeling. With empathy you “put yourself in their shoes.” …

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Managing Conflict

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Just three days after his ninth birthday, Steven Bellamy’s mother, Katrine Bellamy, learned what she’d already strongly suspected. Earlier she’d called her son’s physician insisting she be told the results of Steven’s MRI. Not tomorrow. Not in three hours. Now. Instead, the doctor told her to immediately take Steven to the hospital. In tremendous pain, he was admitted to a room where he quickly fell asleep. Katrine spotted an envelope containing MRI images. She couldn’t help herself. She had to open it. Her husband, Dan, who thought she’d spent the past three weeks being overly paranoid about their son’s vomiting spells and headaches, told her to wait for the doctor. I can’t, she told him. I need to know now. Dan left the room, and Katrine pulled out the slides. The baseball-sized mass on Steven’s brain was impossible to miss. Katrine didn’t need a neurosurgeon to explain that she was looking at a brain tumor.

For the Bellamy’s, a long and difficult cancer journey had begun. Their story, like that of many others, includes episodes of conflict between themselves, other family members, friends and medical staff. This article is about conflict and how to manage it. If cancer is “The Big C,” conflict is the “Not-so-little C” that is almost always part of a cancer journey.

What is Conflict?

To put it simply, conflict is a disagreement. For anyone dealing with cancer, conflict can occur over something mundane like deciding what’s for dinner to more difficult decisions involving care. For example, Katrine and Dan had very different ideas about letting their nine-year-old son have a say in treatment decisions. All options sounded terrifying – some could mentally impair their son, others could kill him. When Katrine was pregnant, Dan said he didn’t think he could handle having a child with Down Syndrome. Now he had a child with cancer and was terrified. Dan wanted to present Steven with his options. Katrine said that it would be too much of a burden on their child. After much discussion, Katrine and Dan concluded that “This is our cross to bear. “ Steven would not participate in the decision-making process. As parents, the burden was theirs. They would make the decision and “live with the consequences.”

An equally agonizing conflict occurred with the care of George Janosik, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Janosik’s siblings and in-laws shared caregiving responsibilities which included giving him morphine to ease his excruciating pain. Janosik pleaded for a lethal dose. The caregivers were torn. Some felt it was cruel to let him suffer. For others, self-assisted suicide violated their religious beliefs. It was also against the law. No decision was ever made. Soon after, Janosik died.

These examples highlight how conflicts can emerge due to differences of opinion, beliefs, and communication style. In addition, personal values, stress, distrust, misunderstandings, personality clashes, and power struggles are common sources of disagreements. …

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Riding Cancer’s Emotional Roller Coaster

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Anyone who begins a cancer journey is likely to step onto a rollercoaster of strong emotions that can vary dramatically from point to point along the way.  Patients, family members, and friends will experience many different feelings ranging from frustration and powerlessness to joy and affection after a cancer diagnosis.

Emotion can be thought of as the “bedrock” of the communication skills. How a person feels and how they control those feelings will affect how they deal with conflict, what they disclose and their level of respect, trust, and empathy for others. This article looks at the role of emotions and provides tips on how to manage feelings to better cope with cancer.

Emotions on a Cancer Journey

San Diego resident Tim Hayes had a lot on his plate when he received his testicular cancer diagnosis.  A 37-year-old college professor with a full work schedule, he had custody of his two young children, and a summer teaching session planned in Africa over the summer.

However, near the end of spring semester, strong abdominal pains made him visit his doctor, who gave him several medical tests.  Before the results came back, Tim traveled to Canada for a professional conference. But he felt miserable. He couldn’t eat. He was exhausted. He spent much of the conference sleeping in his hotel room, which is where his doctor tracked him down.

“My doctor told me one long Latin word, then another,” he said. Decoded, the Latin words meant cancer.

Tim asked if the diagnosis would interfere with his summer teaching plans. It would. He was told he needed immediate surgery, followed by chemotherapy and radiation treatment.

This kind of news would completely devastate some people. Others might be paralyzed by fear. Tim, however, immediately began planning for the future – a future he believed would be cancer free. He tied up loose ends, spent more time with his kids, and was determined to be healthy enough to teach again in the fall.

“It was symbolic of beating the cancer – that’s how I spent my summer vacation, but I’d be back to work in the fall,” Tim said.

Tim took a very practical approach to dealing with his cancer and maintained a positive attitude.  Not everyone would react this way. Emotions play a significant role in how individuals interpret a situation and resolve it. Emotions also influence a person’s attitude and behavior. …

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Revealing, Relating and Risk-taking to Improve Communication

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Jeannette Patterson likes to talk. She’ll talk to the person standing in front of her at the checkout line just as easily as she would talk to her doctor.  From corns to cancer to her granddaughter’s most recent accomplishments, Jeannette will share details about her life that other people would never disclose. Her husband Carl, for example, would never talk about these things publicly. You won’t find him talking about personal or emotional issues with family members either. If pushed, he’ll write a note. However, after his wife was diagnosed with colon cancer, Carl and his wife talked.

They talked about her medications and doctor’s visits. However, conversations about emotions were not so easy. She didn’t want to upset him, but he kept seeing her cry. He cried when she wasn’t looking.

Then, there were the accidents after part of her large intestine was removed in surgery. Without warning, she’d defecate on herself. Eventually, she got over the embarrassment of this happening in front of her husband. Carl reminded her to take care when eating and pack extra clothes and towels before going out. But for three years, her body repeatedly betrayed her in public, drawing people’s attention. She “rolled with the punches” and started talking.

“I needed to talk about it, to spread information and convince people to get colonoscopies in case this happened to them,” Jeannette said.

The Patterson family story illustrates the reality of talking about cancer. Some people want to talk about it. Others do not. Sometimes you can plan for conversations. Other times the conversation comes to you, ready or not. Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a partner or close friend is considered an important part of intimate relationships and can make you feel better. This article provides insights to help those who have been touched by cancer understand why some people share and others withdraw. It also offers guidance to help facilitate conversations about cancer. …

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Strive to be Straightforward, Steadfast and Sincere

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Seven months pregnant and eagerly anticipating the arrival of her first baby, Caitlyn Green’s world dramatically changed. A lump! Breast cancer. She’d always had nearly perfect health, but now she worried.

Caitlyn had read all the bestselling books expectant mothers read. The books told her to avoid caffeine, limit fish intake, and exercise wisely. But they didn’t address this. This situation was not the norm.

Caitlyn’s doctor became her information lifeline. He explained that it’s safe to have some types of chemotherapy while pregnant. She was still anxious for the baby until Alissa arrived with a full head of hair crying loudly. The hair meant that the chemotherapy hadn’t crossed the placenta to the baby. Caitlyn had no hair.

Right after Alissa was born Caitlyn had a double mastectomy. She was told not to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, including her baby. So, other people would hold and carry Alissa for her. It was a tough thing for Caitlyn to watch. She desperately wanted to be a hands-on mom, but this cancer journey required that she put her trust in other people.

Trust is a significant part of Caitlyn’s relationships with her husband, family, friends, coworkers, and medical team. In trusting relationships, we expect others to act in a way that is caring and respectful of our interests and needs. …

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