The Art of Self-Disclosure: Part 3

The Art of Self-Disclosure: Part 3

The Art of Disclosing Online

Social media has added another layer of complexity to self-disclosure.  Many cancer patients and caregivers seek support online. Others use email, texting, and social media channels like Twitter and Facebook as tools to keep large numbers of people informed about their progress. However, navigating these environments can be tricky and not always as emotionally supportive as it seems.

At age 29, Caitlyn Green considered her life to be perfect. She had strong family ties, a large circle of friends, was almost seven months pregnant, and had just received a job promotion. Then she felt a lump in her breast. It had better not be cancer she remembered her husband saying, half joking. But it was.

The radiologist casually dropped the news while Caitlyn was alone in the ultrasound room. Devastated, Caitlyn asked for her husband but was told he had to stay in the waiting room. In the past, that might have been the end of the conversation. Not anymore. Caitlyn texted her husband: “Come back here now!”

Like many people today, Caitlyn has spoken about her cancer face-to-face and online. She has used texts and her blog to inform her large circle of friends, family, and coworkers about her diagnosis, chemotherapy, the loss of her hair, the birth of her daughter, her double mastectomy, and her radiation treatment.  Talking about cancer online can connect people in similar situations and help them share information. It can raise public awareness and reduce stigmas associated with certain cancers and treatment. It can help people feel like they aren’t alone. Through strong online social networks, individuals can hear words of encouragement during tough times, something Caitlyn has experienced.

Katrine Bellamy has also seen the benefits of online communication. After her son was diagnosed with cancer, Katrine started a blog to share her feelings and received positive feedback from readers. “I was pretty blunt about how I was feeling. I couldn’t say these things to people, but I could write about them.” …

Read More Read More

The Art of Self-Disclosure: Part 2

The Art of Self-Disclosure: Part 2

The Pearls and Perils of Self-Disclosure

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

To self-disclose is to reveal something private about yourself. Disclosing information can help individuals feel understood and accepted, but can also be hurtful if the person listening is critical, minimizes, or magnifies what is said or withdraws.

Individuals typically weigh the risks and benefits before sharing intimate details about themselves to others. What you choose to say will probably be based on how comfortable you are disclosing information, the person with whom you’re talking, and the immediate situation. Some people have nothing to share, although others may expect an outpouring of emotion or personal details. Tim Hayes said he didn’t avoid talking about his testicular cancer, but other than updates about doctor appointments or treatment, he didn’t have much to say. “I didn’t think it was very interesting when you got past the update. What else are you going to talk about?” He also didn’t talk about end-of-life issues. He believed he would survive.

The Risks of Self-Disclosure

Texas resident Michelle Rasmussen knows the risks of self-disclosure. Her father’s diagnosis of terminal liver cancer came out of nowhere during a difficult time in Michelle’s life.  Frequent battles with her soon-to-be ex-husband over money and property had drained her energy and time. She became the primary caregiver for her father and her mother, who had recently suffered numerous health issues and needed considerable care. Her friends said she had written a country and western song because of the many problems in her life, but they also said she was tough and would get through this difficult period. However, they didn’t see Michelle crying alone at night, pushing aside meal after meal, wondering when she was going to snap. When she asked her sister for help, her sister told her she had her hands full taking care of her children. …

Read More Read More

The Art of Self-Disclosure – Part 1

The Art of Self-Disclosure – Part 1

Revealing, Relating and Risk-taking to Improve Communication

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Jeannette Patterson likes to talk. She’ll talk to the person standing in front of her at the checkout line just as easily as she would talk to her doctor.  From corns to cancer to her granddaughter’s most recent accomplishments, Jeannette will share details about her life that other people would never disclose. Her husband Carl, for example, would never talk about these things publicly. You won’t find him talking about personal or emotional issues with family members either. If pushed, he’ll write a note. However, after his wife was diagnosed with colon cancer, Carl and his wife talked.

They talked about her medications and doctor’s visits. However, conversations about emotions were not so easy. She didn’t want to upset him, but he kept seeing her cry. He cried when she wasn’t looking.

Then, there were the accidents after part of her large intestine was removed in surgery. Without warning, she’d defecate on herself. Eventually, she got over the embarrassment of this happening in front of her husband. Carl reminded her to take care when eating and pack extra clothes and towels before going out. But for three years, her body repeatedly betrayed her in public, drawing people’s attention. She “rolled with the punches” and started talking.

“I needed to talk about it, to spread information and convince people to get colonoscopies in case this happened to them,” Jeannette said.

The Patterson family story illustrates the reality of talking about cancer. Some people want to talk about it. Others do not. Sometimes you can plan for conversations. Other times the conversation comes to you, ready or not. Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a partner or close friend is considered an important part of intimate relationships and can make you feel better. This article provides insights to help those who have been touched by cancer understand why some people share and others withdraw. It also offers guidance to help facilitate conversations about cancer. …

Read More Read More

Trust – Part 3 of 3

Trust – Part 3 of 3

Building Trust through Action

Trust is earned and built up over time. It comes from being straightforward, responsible, consistent and reliable. It’s keeping someone’s secrets when asked. It’s keeping certain things private even when not asked. It’s offering to help and following through on what you say you’re going to do. It’s being there for the long haul.

Building trust involves being present and supportive for people you care about – and allowing people that care about you to be present and supportive for you. Different people show care and concern in different ways. One person may show care through tough love while another person may do someone’s errands or chores.

For this activity, you will prepare to either ask for help or offer help. In both instances, it’s good to consider how this can be done. Mostly, it doesn’t matter if you’re a patient, a caregiver, or a family advocate. Patients can offer help while caregivers can ask for help. It is a multi-way exchange. …

Read More Read More

Trust – Part 2 of 3

Trust – Part 2 of 3

Strategies to Build and Repair Trust

Trust is essential for intimate relationships, but it doesn’t function alone. It is reciprocal. For trust to grow and thrive, all parties have to work at it. Conflicts often occur over trust-related issues or a belief that someone acted in a way that betrayed a person’s trust.

On a cancer journey, a patient might wonder if a particular person will be around when they are sick and need help. Can the person be relied upon to pick up their prescription from the pharmacy? Can he or she be trusted to be sensitive to the patient’s feelings?  Will he or she consider and respect the patient’s needs and desires when discussing treatment options?

From a caregiver’s perspective, a caregiver may ask if the cancer patient will trust him or her to look out for their needs. Will the patient be honest and straightforward about how they are feeling? Will the patient be supportive or empathetic when the caregiver feels overwhelmed or needs a break?

Trust is usually built over time and through small actions that add up to a collective whole.  Being dependable, honest, empathic, and having integrity are essential ingredients for trust to exist in a relationship. Self-sacrifice is also seen as a demonstration of commitment and trustworthiness.

If you want to establish a more trusting relationship with someone consider the following strategies: …

Read More Read More

Trust – Part 1 of 3

Trust – Part 1 of 3

Strive to be Straightforward, Steadfast and Sincere

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Seven months pregnant and eagerly anticipating the arrival of her first baby, Caitlyn Green’s world dramatically changed. A lump! Breast cancer. She’d always had nearly perfect health, but now she worried.

Caitlyn had read all the bestselling books expectant mothers read. The books told her to avoid caffeine, limit fish intake, and exercise wisely. But they didn’t address this. This situation was not the norm.

Caitlyn’s doctor became her information lifeline. He explained that it’s safe to have some types of chemotherapy while pregnant. She was still anxious for the baby until Alissa arrived with a full head of hair crying loudly. The hair meant that the chemotherapy hadn’t crossed the placenta to the baby. Caitlyn had no hair.

Right after Alissa was born Caitlyn had a double mastectomy. She was told not to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, including her baby. So, other people would hold and carry Alissa for her. It was a tough thing for Caitlyn to watch. She desperately wanted to be a hands-on mom, but this cancer journey required that she put her trust in other people.

Trust is a significant part of Caitlyn’s relationships with her husband, family, friends, coworkers, and medical team. In trusting relationships, we expect others to act in a way that is caring and respectful of our interests and needs. …

Read More Read More

Learn to Share Respect: Part 3

Learn to Share Respect: Part 3

Seeing Respect from Different Angles

Sometimes we’re quick to judge others’ behavior and label them as disrespectful. But if you look deeper and with empathy, you may find that something entirely different is actually going on. In this activity, you will examine a situation from two different angles – from the perspective of family members and the perspective of a cancer survivor.

Read the following scenario:

Your brother-in-law, Marcos, has been saying he’s very tired since his cancer treatment ended six months ago. He’s often too exhausted to attend family social gatherings. You haven’t seen him in three months. He missed his son’s school band concert and even his own birthday party. On the other hand, he regularly goes golfing and plays poker with his friends.

Answer the following questions:

  1. What do you think is going on with your brother-in-law?
  2. Do you think he is respecting or disrespecting his family?

On the surface, he’s not respecting his family. It’s inconsiderate to miss a child’s concert or a party your spouse spent time and effort to plan for you. Why would Marcos do this? Could there be something else going on?

Consider an alternative explanation:

There’s no excuse for inconsiderate behavior – but there may be an explanation. Perhaps Marcos is doing really well since his cancer treatment and he has been ready to move on from it — but his family is not. Perhaps he doesn’t want to be the center of attention anymore. Also, maybe he thinks it would be better for them to put this experience behind them.  They supported him through a tough time and he thinks they deserve a change. Maybe he has talked to them about it but they just won’t listen. In this scenario, he may be more comfortable playing golf and poker with his buddies because they listened. They respect his wishes. They don’t ask him questions about his cancer. They treat him like a regular guy. And it feels good.

Now answer the following questions:

  1. How do you feel about this explanation? Does it change your opinion about his disrespectful behavior?
  2. How do you think Marcos’ family was or wasn’t showing him respect?
  3. Can you empathize* with him? Can you respect his perspective? Could you respect his wishes going forward?
  4. What can you do in the future to understand the behavior of people in your life that seems disrespectful?

Take a second look! Seeing a situation from the other person’s perspective is a definition of empathy. Empathy can foster understanding. Understanding can promote acceptance and approval. Approval can lead to esteem. And esteem is a form of respect.

This research project was funded by a grant from the National Cancer Institute (CA144235; Dr. Wayne Beach, San Diego State University, Principal Investigator). Co-investigators included Dr. David Dozier from San Diego State University, and Mary Buller, Dr. Valerie Myers, and Dr. David Buller from Klein Buendel, Inc.

Learn to Share Respect: Part 2

Learn to Share Respect: Part 2

Putting Respect into Practice

  • Allow others to speak. Don’t interrupt. Listen.
  • Suspend judgment and avoid making assumptions.
  • Don’t act superior or condescending, which is often conveyed through tone of voice. In other words, don’t talk down to someone or speak to others as if they were children.
  • Make eye contact. Be aware of other body languages that might be considered disrespectful such as tapping your foot, rolling your eyes, or texting on your phone when someone is talking.
  • Be honest and transparent.
  • Choose your words thoughtfully and if possible, know what words the other person might find offensive. Some patients like to be called “brave” or a “fighter.” Others do not.
  • Speak calmly and politely. The tone of your voice may be offensive, even if the content of the conversation is not.
  • Be caring and considerate when offering critical feedback.
  • Avoid qualifiers or sweeping generalities like “always” or “never.” Be specific and accurate. Instead of: “You never think about me.” Say: “It hurt my feelings that you haven’t called in the last week to see how I’m doing.”
  • Avoid evaluative comments that are judging. Instead of: “You’re a horrible shopper.” Say: “You forgot my prescription. Could you please pick it up this afternoon?”
  • Take responsibility for your actions and admit mistakes.
  • Be flexible rather than rigid.
  • Recognize when someone is helpful and express your appreciation.
  • Be confident in yourself.
  • Consider respect from all perspectives.

Communicating About Cancer Series Info

This research project was funded by a grant from the National Cancer Institute (CA144235; Dr. Wayne Beach, San Diego State University, Principal Investigator). Co-investigators included Dr. David Dozier from San Diego State University, and Mary Buller, Dr. Valerie Myers, and Dr. David Buller from Klein Buendel, Inc.

Learn to Share Respect: Part 1

Learn to Share Respect: Part 1

Value, Validate and Venerate Others

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.*

Being respected is important to Arturo Hernandez. So, when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2010, he went through the experience in a way he felt would earn respect from his family, friends, and coworkers. Despite the toll cancer treatment took on his body, he refused to stop working.

“I kept on doing things even if it took me longer and longer and longer to complete.” He kept goals and tried to lead his life the way he always had. He explains, “I was not looking for sympathy from other people but to gain respect for the way I was handling the thing. More than anything, it was like a process I had to complete.”

The definition of respect can vary from person to person. We know we want to be respected. We know when we’re not getting enough. So, what does it mean to be respectful? What experts say is that when we respect another person, we value their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. We show our respect by how we treat others, what we say to them, how we say it, and by actively listening.

There are different kinds of respect, such as respecting an opponent, nature, laws, or institutions. For some of these, there may be codes of conduct that direct how to show respect. Saluting officers in the military or placing your hand over your heart during the National Anthem are two examples. Behaviors to communicate respectfully between individuals are less clear. In this article, we provide useful guidance to help avoid situations that might be perceived as disrespectful and offer tips to improve communication with those touched by a cancer journey.

How Do You Define Respect?

First, what does respect mean to you? Consider the following groups of words. Which better describes how you give respect? Which better describes how you prefer to be shown respect? …

Read More Read More

Building Blocks of Communication

Building Blocks of Communication

Often, satisfying interpersonal communication is thought to be second nature, something that comes naturally to all people. After all, everyone is human and humans know how to speak to each other, right?

It would be convenient to think in this way and approach sensitive topics with such a simple outlook. It is not the human condition to instantly understand how to breach sensitive topics like a cancer diagnosis.

Cancer communication is not a straightforward subject to address and the skills that follow are meant to provoke thought and self-reflection. Before jumping into cancer-specific areas of communication, there are a few basic communication components that are foundational to the success of these enhancement materials.

Verbal Messages

Verbal messages are the words chosen or spoken. Another way to think of verbal messages is that they are communicated through language. The purpose of improving verbal messages is to tell and communicate better exactly what is thought or felt. Benefits include ensuring that there is no confusion or misunderstanding between two people. Without confusion or misunderstanding in a stressful situation, like a cancer diagnosis, conflict and distrust may be minimized. …

Read More Read More